Compassion for People

In this overview of this lesson, Dr. Buckingham lays down some general guidelines for having difficult conversations. First, of course, is to have them. He mentions that many leaders, even CEOs of large companies, do not enjoy having them. Part of being a leader is having the courage to have them.

The biggest ingredient he mentions is compassion. If you do not want to listen, if you are not willing to try to see where the other person is coming from, you will probably only make things worse if you talk to them. “Better not even have the conversation,” he says.

Compassion and listening requires a respectful tone. Again, if we cannot discipline ourselves to listen and have a loving attitude toward the other person, we are only going to make things worse. James 3:6 talks about how the tongue can be a restless evil, set on fire by hell. We cannot retrieve unwise words we say. The discipline of keeping our mouths shut is a key leadership skill. The discipline of controlling our body language is a key leadership skill.

Compassion requires us to acknowledge the feelings of others. It does not tell them, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” People feel how they feel. The path to changing how they feel starts with recognizing the existence of their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective.

Compassion refrains from making snap judgments or jumping to conclusions. It listens out a person's feelings and concerns. Here we need especially to check our own biases. We may have certain patterns of relating to other people we do not even realize. For example, some leaders are more dismissive of women than men. A man and a woman might say the same thing and the one be heard while the other is dismissed.

The same can happen with people of a certain demographic. We might pre-judge the value of someone’s ideas or feelings because they look a certain way or come from a certain social group. We often do not even realize we do such things, but those individuals know because they may get the same treatment more broadly.

Despite patterns and similarities, everyone deserves a chance to be heard. Everyone has a unique story that has shaped their beliefs and reactions. A leader can develop an “us-them” mentality, an assumption that “I’m right, and I just need to help them see it.” The pastor is not always right. The leader is not always right.

Principles of Active Listening

Active listening goes beyond merely hearing words. It's about tuning into the emotions, underlying concerns, and the unspoken nuances. Principles of active listening include:

Respect Matters

While compassion connects us emotionally and listening helps us understand, respect ensures the conversation remains constructive. Respect means valuing the other person’s inherent worth, regardless of whether you agree with their point of view. To ensure respect is at the forefront:

• Watch Your Tone
  It’s not just what you say but how you say it. Even a valid point can be lost if it’s conveyed in a condescending or aggressive manner.

• Avoid Blame
  Using blame language like “You always” or “You never” can put the other person on the defensive. Instead, use “I” statements that express how you feel.

• Acknowledge Differences
  Understand that it’s okay to have differing opinions. Recognize and appreciate the diversity of thought.

• Stay Calm
  If emotions escalate, take a step back. Sometimes, it’s best to pause and revisit the conversation when both parties are in a calmer state.

Follow Up Strategies

An additional principle that Dr. Buckingham identifies is follow-up. You are not the only influencer in your congregation. You may have identified an influencer and had a great conversation with them, but group think can be even more powerful. And other voices can counteract the good your conversation might otherwise have done.

It is thus essential that you follow-up with the person you have had a conversation with soon after you have met with them. You should follow up in less than a week to make sure they are still on the same trajectory. You should follow-up with them more than once. Concepts often require “spaced repetition” to stick. Even if someone gets a concept in theory, it may not make it into the warp and woof of their lives without reiteration and demonstration.

The conversation doesn't end when the dialogue does. Following up is crucial. It shows the other party that you care about the relationship and are committed to finding mutual ground or understanding.

Effective follow-up strategies include:

Stemming the tide, turning the ship–these things take persistence. They are not easy. It is a marathon, not a sprint, although some sprinting may be involved.

Buckingham suggests that 3% of the people will never be satisfied no matter what you do. Ultimately, you cannot force someone to change their minds. Some will walk away. It is almost inevitable. We as leaders need to accept that fact.

However, that 3% sometimes looks like 30%. That is the challenge. It may be exhausting. It may be difficult. But good leadership, having difficult conversations, by God’s grace can help turn the 30% of opposition into the 3%.